Honestly, I still don't know the right ways to handle an arguement. But I have learned a TON of things NOT to do in an arguement. If you follow these rules, you will be on your way to de-escalating the arguement.
1. Do NOT participate in name calling. No matter how angry you are, never call your spouse a name. Even if they call you names first, just let it go. You can not bring an arguement to an end by making her angrier.
2. Do not raise your voice. When you raise your voice, so will she. There is no reason for neighbors to have to hear what you are arguing about. She can hear you just fine at a normal volume. You can also hear her just fine at a normal volume.
3. Have a safe place to cool down. One thing I learned about women is that they can argue for hours straight. I simply can not do that. I end up getting so heated that I explode. If you need to cool down, go for a walk, or work on a hobby for a bit, but dont forget about the arguement. Just use the time to clear your head and think about the things you said to support your point of view, and things you said that you shouldn't have. That way when you go back in, you do not egg on the arguement.
4. Never say what you do not mean. I cannot emphasize this point enough. It is so easy to tell a tough truth out of anger, or to say something that you just simply do not mean in an arguement. Refrain from doing either of these two. If you do not mean it, do not say it. Simple as that. If it is a tough truth and you are just saying it to be mean, do not say it. There is a time and a place to talk about certain things. If it is not necessary to the arguement, there is no reason to bring up certain things.
5. There are no winners in an arguement. There is only the one who got their way, and the one who now has angry feelings towards the other. The sooner the arguement is put to an end, the sooner the two of you can talk it out.
Now like I said, this isn't a guide to winning an arguement. These are just things that you should refrain from doing which will make the situation worse. Remember at all times that the person who you are arguing with IS your spouse and you both love each other very much.